I'm bored.

I'm bored.  Not in the sense that I don't have anything to do.  I have plenty to do.  In fact, there are about 3 loads of laundry dumped out on my couch waiting to be folded.  But, I'm just bored with the same old things.  I thought maybe I could sit down and blog about something fun but I'm totally unmotivated today.

Yesterday I let my thoughts drift to what life was like when I didn't have a child and was single.  Ahh...those were the days.  I'm not saying that I would give up what I have.  But, admittedly, life was very different.  I remember regularly going to buy myself a new outfit or just sitting down spending time watching a chick flick and eating ice cream straight from the container.  I remember just hanging out with friends, talking about who knows what for....hours.  Not only did I do those things because I wanted to, but I also had the time.  I was still getting all of those to-do list items done and had plenty of time to just--relax.

Now, having said that, I remember at the time feeling like life would be more complete and better when I was married and had children.  I felt like I wasn't doing anything truly productive or rewarding with my time.  Yes, I was going to school and working, but that seemed to be what was 'normal' and I was wanting to do things that were better--more fulfilling--than just 'normal'.  I certainly didn't feel a rush to get married (even though I did get married at 20...which, as time goes on, seems more and more crazy to me) I just looked forward to that stage in life when things would be 'better'.

Which brings me to the phrase 'The grass is always greener on the other side'.

When I was pregnant and working I counted down the days until I could be a 'stay-at-home mom'.  In my mind, the job description consisted only of snuggles, crafts, coloring, making PB&J sandwiches, coordinating play-dates and driving to and from soccer practices.  I truly believed that if I were home all day my house would be pristine, the laundry would always be caught up, dinner would be on the table every night by 5:00 when Scott would come in with a smile on his face and kiss me as I sprinkled cheese on my twice-baked potatoes while wearing an adorable apron.  Oh, and did I mention that our child/children would be playing happily and quietly together?

Those of you who have children are laughing right now.  Those of you who don't have children are wondering why the people who have children think this is funny.

On days like today, I have to remind myself that 'the grass is always greener...'.  What I wouldn't give for a day when I could wake up and say, "I want to go buy a new outfit today"and walk out the door without having to arrange for a sitter, and without loading up the car with snacks, diapers, wipes, and a stroller.  Oh, and don't forget the kicking and screaming 1 year old!  What I wouldn't give for an afternoon where I could throw on some sweats pop in a chick flick and doze off to sleep.  And yet, even though I can't do those things, I do feel fulfilled and accomplished at the end of a busy day.  Even when I had to vacuum the living room 4 times, do double the laundry, and make ham and cheese instead.  There are brief moments throughout the day when I catch that small glimpse of why I work from sun-up 'til sun-down.  There are those moments of fulfillment that I would miss out on if I wasn't here, doing this.  Every. single. hard. day.

It really isn't easy for me.  I don't think it is easy for anyone.  I recently had a conversation with one of my friends who mentioned that she didn't anticipate how different/hard it would be once she had her baby.   I, too, have said, "I don't know how people with more than one child do it!"  And yet, we grow with things.  I remember feeling completely overwhelmed with a newborn--I felt trapped.  He needed me EVERY three hours.  That was hard for me.  And, more than that, it bothered me (and still does bother me) when people would say, "Oh, you just wait 'til..."  I felt like they were belittling my feelings and forgetting all too quickly how they had struggled in the same ways with their own children.  Of course now I look back on having a newborn and think, "It was so nice when he stayed in the same spot all day." but I also have enough sense to know that by the time the next one comes along I'll be saying, "Two is so much harder than one!  This one stays in the same spot all day but then I'm up all night!  How do people do three?!"  I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but my take-home message (yes, I'm writing myself a take-home message) is that there really is no need to compare myself to everyone else.  I even need to stop comparing my life now to my past-self--or my future self.  Yes, the grass is greener on the other side. But, for now, I'm going to be content eating my yellow grass.  Because, as it turns out, I'm color blind.

And just because I love this little squirt....

18 months